A Guardian of Secrets: My Journey to Strnger

Welcome to my first-ever newsletter post. I am glad to have you reading me right now. I’m just coming out of the shower as I write this post. My name is Koffi Kenneth Kouadio, but you can call me Ken. I am the founder of a mental health startup called Strnger, and today I will be sharing details that I probably never have before.

The Natural Confidant

Growing up, I was that kid that anyone could talk to, and trust right away. I was a guardian of secrets per se haha. Having this role meant that I was listening to a lot of different stories, secrets, confessions, dark thoughts, etc. I never really asked to be that person, but I guess I naturally was a person who was more inclined to listen than to talk. I have been wearing this hat for as long as I can remember. My personal opinion about it is that I am not mad to be this person, but sometimes I wish that I got this comfortable with someone to share those thoughts of mine that would burden me at times. Unfortunately, this never really came around until recently.

A Grandfather’s Last Smile

I think the time when I became aware that I was storing up a lot of things inside without EVER letting them out was when I lost my grandfather in 2016. Back Story: My grandfather was a man scarred by the trials he went through in life, one of the biggest ones being that he served in WWII as a parachutist for the African troops (Tirailleurs Sénégalais) that fought for France. Those scars were visible all over his face, but he was a man proud of what he had done with his life. I can still remember the firm handshake grip this man was packing being over 90 years old.

Anyway, in 2016, my dad unveiled a house that he was secretly building for my grandfather as a “Thank you” for enabling him to succeed in his life. We drove to a city in the center region of the country for the celebration as the house was up there. We had a feast man!! We ate, drank, danced. We truly had a blast, and you could see the smile on my grandfather’s face, a man who rarely ever smiled.

The next morning while at our hotel, my dad gets a call from his brother announcing to him that his dad had just passed while we were about to do a quick prayer before heading back home. It felt so surreal!!! Like I saw the man not even 24 hours earlier!!! How is he not alive anymore? I will spare you the great details but the moment that broke me happened while we were driving to my grandfather’s house where his wife was. I was looking out the window, and when I looked back in the car, I saw my mom reach over to my dad’s face with a tissue while he was driving. I lost it right then and there. I cried for hours after that…

When The Guardian Needed Guarding

After this ordeal, we received the standard “Sorry for your loss” from friends and family. But after that? Nothing. I had this ability to know when people were not well emotionally without them having to say anything. In a sense, I was waiting for someone to notice that I was dying inside without having to say anything. You might think “Oh Ken, how were people supposed to know you needed that without saying it?” That is a valid question but put yourself in my shoes for a little bit. You are used to picking up on the slight emotional change of people in your entourage without them having to mention anything. Wouldn’t it be nice to benefit from that as well for once? I might be wrong here but at the time, being 17 years old, and being aware that what I was looking for might not come around truly hurt me, and it shut me down even more. And again, I do not blame my friends around me for not noticing. I understand that people have different abilities, what I’m good at might not have been what my friends were good at, and it is completely fine.

The Day Everything Changed

Let’s fast forward to 2021. This year will always be significant in my life because it was the year everything changed for me. Picture this: Sunny afternoon, weather is cooperating, you feel like going to play basketball with some kids in the neighborhood, and then BOOOOOOM!!!!! you hurt your back so bad you can’t walk. That is a CRAZY picture, right? Well, that crazy picture was MY crazy picture. The thing about me at that time was that I was just about to go play college basketball after training almost my whole life as my dream was to play in the NBA. My whole world just collapsed around me. The course of my life has been precisely shaped around being a professional basketball player. I moved to the United States after high school for that; I learned English for that reason (Mind you, I HATED English with a passion).

Beyond the Physical Pain

I do not think that I ever felt more powerless in my life than I did at that time. I was laying on my bed not being able to move, not being able to sit down as my legs felt like they were on fire when I did, not being able to even laugh because of the realization that more things run through your back than you knew. No need to say that the depression I entered during this time marked probably the toughest time of my life. Hopelessness, grief, sadness, tears, pain, loneliness, that was my everyday sightings for months. Particularly the loneliness I felt was unmatched. I was back home for the summer holidays when that happened so I had my whole family around me, but it didn’t prevent me from feeling like I was alone in the world. I could see the pity in their eyes when they looked at me, but I had no need for that, I wanted understanding and it never came.

A New Chapter

I think I will stop the rambling here. Even though this does not tell the whole story of my mental health journey throughout my entire life, they are pivotal in why I started a mental health startup. I have much to learn and discover about my mental health, and while I do, I hope to have you along for the ride. It might be a long ride, but we will play good music, and make some hilarious jokes along the way. It will be fun.

Just wanted to leave you with a passage from a slam I wrote a little while ago:

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